I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
