Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
