Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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