Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
