My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I'm really busy with my period
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