I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
