Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
