I think my vagina is haunted
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
We smell like vodka and hangover
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
