so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
