3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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