Welp...herpes.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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