i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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