dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just invented taco cereal.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
try to milk me bitch
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