Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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