she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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