Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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