rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
