I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
