Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize