I think I died a long time ago.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
