Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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