Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize