Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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