you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Randomize
