I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
