Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
