Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
