You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
