did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
