I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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