He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
