He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
