I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
