He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
