I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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