Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Randomize
