well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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