Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
