i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
