hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
