Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
