I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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