Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
