I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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