the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
