Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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