So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
