i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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