I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
