Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
