moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Blood and glitter go together right?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
