i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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