Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
