I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
