Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
