I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
