he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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