I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
