i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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