I will die if light touches me.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
