Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
