All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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